


Grounded

by yutos



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: M/M, hyoj, leave me alone this was vent writing, sad bro hrs:(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 16:15:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20997671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutos/pseuds/yutos
Summary: "I don't...want your help..." He falters. A lie.





	Grounded

**Author's Note:**

> uhh tw for mentions of de*th and also depressing thoughts,, i wrote this when i was feeling Bad so if those themes make you uncomfortable pls read comfortably or don't read at all, because this is jsut a big sad thing ok
> 
> it's also not really edited because i didn't feel like it, and i'll also probably delete it later because it's bad
> 
> but regardless if anybody reads this i hope u like it thanks mwah

"Is there anything more I can do for you?" Seungjoon asks as he leans against the doorframe of Hyojin's bedroom. He feels antsy, wanting to stay but knowing Hyojin didn't want him there.

"You can leave me alone," Hyojin snaps, avoiding eye contact with the younger man. He knows that he's being mean and that Seungjoon doesn't deserve it, but he can't make himself stop. 

"Hyojin..." Seungjoon says wearily, staring at him. It makes him sad, to think about what their friendship had become. They used to be so close, but Hyojin's been acting different lately. He's been so hostile, nipping at anybody who tried to get past his walls.

"Please. Just leave me alone." Hyojin sighs, staring at his bedsheets. His knees are pulled up to his chest, and he rests his chin on them. A strand of his red hair falls into his eyes. He exhales through his lips, watching as the hair flutters in his vision.

"Why do you keep pushing people away?" Seungjoon asks, and he sounds frustrated. The Hyojin he knew was optimistic and outgoing, but it was like someone else completely had replaced the man. 

"I'm not pushing anybody away," Hyojin says, annoyance creeping into his tone. He clicks his thumbnail and middle fingernail together, a habit of his that he does when he's irritated. He wants Seungjoon to leave, so he can sit in his bed and stare at his wall, maybe wallow in his self-pity, feel bad for himself for a little longer. He was intentionally pushing people away, and he knew it.

"Yes you are, you've been acting all weird, and you haven't been talking to anybody lately," Seungjoon says, frowning. Friends in their mutual friend group had been trying to talk to him or see Hyojin, only to get radio silence from the man's end. He knows that something isn't right. 

"I've been busy." It's an excuse. Hyojin hasn't been busy, there wasn't much to be busy with. The only thing he did was go to work and then come back home, sleep, work again. It's the same schedule every day, he had plenty of time that he could be talking to his friends, his work hours weren't grueling or anything. He _wishes_ he was busy, wishes he had some sort of distraction. 

"No, you haven't," Seungjoon can see right through him, Seungjoon knows his usual schedules too. It was sort of useless to lie to him about it anyway, but Hyojin doesn't care. He'll make up any excuse if it meant keeping his pride.

"How would you know?" Hyojin says defensively. He clicks his nails together faster, slightly more aggressive than before. His nail beds are starting to hurt, and he thinks maybe one of his nails has split. 

"I'm trying to help..." Seungjoon replies timidly, voice wobbling. His vision starts to go blurry with tears and- _God where did these tears come from?_ It's upsetting to think that someone he trusted most was pushing him so far. He looks up at the ceiling, biting his lip.

Hyojin's heart lurches a bit, hearing how Seungjoon's voice trembled. He felt terrible, he was so mean to him for no reason. But the voice in his head kept yelling at him to snap at him again, tell him to get out. He wants to build and build the walls around him until he has no space for himself until he can only curl up behind them. Waiting for the thoughts to drown him, slowly rising up above his knees, chest, and head, soaking him as he can only panic alone. _How pathetic would it be if you showed how weak you really are?_

"I don't.. want your help," Hyojin falters. But he does, he wants someone to be there for him. He wants someone to hold him and play with his hair and let him cry. He doesn't want to go into it, he just wants to be comforted. And Seungjoon would do that if Hyojin stopped pretending nothing was happening, he knows that too. But he can't stand the thought of being so vulnerable in front of anybody. 

It was ironic, really. Seungjoon was so open about his feelings. When he upset he would tell Hyojin about it, he wasn't afraid to cry or bitch about something to him. He doesn't like that Hyojin doesn't feel like he can do the same. Sure, it's probably just how Hyojin was, and he didn't want to pry, but how would he cope if Hyojin was suffering through something all alone and he didn't do anything about it? 

"Hyojin, I just want to make sure you're okay..." He says softly, swallowing the lump in his throat. It wasn't about him, he wasn't going to cry. He thinks it would be selfish to cry when it's not him who needs help. 

Hyojin glances up at Seungjoon through the strands of hair in his eyes. He can only hold eye contact for a few seconds before he starts to feel guilty at the upset look on his face.

"I've just been feeling really tired lately, s'all..." He glances away as he says it. It wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the whole truth. 

_I've been feeling so empty recently that it makes my chest hurt. Everything feels so dull and repetitive, and I feel trapped. I don't like it. It feels like life has no meaning and that I'm not going anywhere. Like all, I'll ever be is a stupid person who works at a stupid desk job and that I'll just die like that-_

He won't say that though. He thinks that he’s just being overdramatic. He bites his lip, clicking his nails together again in annoyance at himself.

Seungjoon knows it's an excuse, but he's not going to pry any further. Maybe it's personal, maybe Hyojin just doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe Hyojin doesn't want to talk to him about it. He'll just try his best to support Hyojin. 

"I care about you, Jin," Seungjoon sighs, playing with the hem of his jacket. He stares at Hyojin, who looks so small as he plays with his fingers in front of his knees, looking at everything besides him. 

Seungjoon pushes himself away from the doorframe, getting ready to leave. He wants to stay, but frankly, he thinks Hyojin doesn't want him there. 

"I'll call you, okay? If you're awake later please answer..." He says. He doesn't think Hyojin would do anything irrational, but he still doesn't want to go.

_No please, don't leave me. I'm sorry, I want you to stay, please don't leave me alone-_

"Okay," Hyojin says softly, watching with sad eyes as Seungjoon turns to leave, shutting the door behind him. He wants to apologize, run after him and wrap his arms around him, tangle his fingers into Seungjoon's jacket to keep him there. But he can feel the opportunity slipping from his hands as he listens to the sound of Seungjoon's car keys jingling together, and the sound of his front door opening, closing again. He can't hear as Seungjoon leaves his apartment, but he knows he's gone. 

It's his own fault, he's the one who told Seungjoon to leave, but he can't help but feel sad he's gone. He feels guilty, thinking about how rude he was, and for no reason. 

_I'm so horrible._ Hyojin sighs, rubbing his eyes, digging his palms so hard that he sees black spots when he opens his eyes again. His vision blurs.

It's only 4 PM on a Saturday, and he just wishes it was Monday, so he could work. So he could have something to do to keep him from thinking too deeply. So he wouldn't have to worry about this looming buzzing feeling in his chest. 

Hyojin leans back against his pillows, sprawling his limbs out, sighing. He wants to cry, but nothing will come. He can only stare at his ceiling with a blank look for a while, until his eyelids begin to feel heavy. 

Hyojin wakes up hours later to the sound of his phone loudly buzzing on his nightstand. He didn't realize he went to sleep, it feels like he didn't sleep at all, he had no dreams. He squints and reaches blindly for his phone, not checking who it was before answering. "Hello...?" 

_"Hi!"_ Seungjoon's voice filters through the speaker. He sounds bright but Hyojin doesn't know how long it took for Seungjoon to actually get the courage to call him. 

"Hi Seungjoon," He says sleepily, rubbing his eyes. He wonders how long he slept for, but he figures it must have been a few hours because it was starting to get dark outside. 

_"Did I wake you up?"_

"Yeah, but it's okay," Hyojin responds. He wonders why Seungjoon is calling him even after being treated badly. He thinks Seungjoon is too nice. 

Seungjoon asks, and Hyojin realizes he is sort of hungry. He doesn't remember the last thing or time he ate, his memory was sort of blurry. He hadn't had much of an appetite lately anyways. 

"Nuh-uh, I fell asleep after you left earlier," Hyojin yawns, putting his phone on speaker and setting it on his bed next to him. He rolls onto his side, his eyes fluttering closed again. He wants to keep sleeping. 

_"I could bring you something if you want? I haven't eaten either, so..."_ Seungjoon trails off, hinting at wanting to come over. He hopes that Hyojin will be nicer this time. 

"Oh, you don't have to-" 

_"I want to."_ Seungjoon smiles slightly as he says it, as if Hyojin could see it. 

"Okay..." He says, rubbing his eyes. His mind is telling him, no, no, no. Yelling, you don't deserve it. He wishes that it was quiet. 

_"Okay, I'll be there soon,"_ Seungjoon says, and ends the call before Hyojin could say anything else. He opens his eyes again and drags himself out of his blankets. 

His feet pad on the wood floor along as he walks. His house was so quiet, entirely too quiet. It felt strange to him, despite the fact that the last few weeks of his life had been filled with too much silence as well. 

He walks to the bathroom, looks in the mirror, and feels even weirder at what stares back. Hollow eyes and messy hair look back. It's him, but it's not. This is his body, but he feels like he doesn't own it.

He moves his arms, tilts his head, his reflection is definitely doing the same thing he is now, but _whose_ skin is this? This is the only body he's ever known, yet it feels so foreign. 

He blinks slowly, pulling at the skin of his cheek. Stretching, pinching, letting it snap back. It's strange. It's like an out of body experience, but he doesn't know where his own body is. How is he supposed to be sure this is him? He's never seen himself outside of pictures or reflections, how is he supposed to know who he even is?

There's a knock on his door, and he snaps out of the daze he was in. _How long did I stand here for?_ He wonders as he leaves the bathroom, forgetting to turn the light off behind him. 

He walks to his front door, the feeling still lingers over him as he opens the door to see Seungjoon. The younger man has a bag of food with him, and he smiles at Hyojin, who lets him inside. 

The two eat in silence on his couch, the only things exchanged were uncertain words from Seungjoon about not knowing what Hyojin wanted and the older man thanking him and telling him it was okay. 

Hyojin still feels so weird. He keeps zoning out, gazing off into space with his food mid-air. Seungjoon finds it sort of concerning. 

When both of them are finished with their food, Seungjoon feels nervous. He plays with his hands, glancing around, he didn't know what Hyojin was going to do next. Was he going to keep staring at the wall like he had been for minutes now? Was he going to say something?

"You know um, I can leave now if you want me to," Seungjoon says, and Hyojin's gaze snaps over to him. _No, no, don't._

"No," Hyojin says, sounding sort of panicked. Seungjoon gives him a confused look. It was so out of character for Hyojin, and he isn't sure how to react to it. 

"Wait...Stay... here with me, please..." Hyojin says softly, and Seungjoon's heart wrenches at how small the older man sounds. He can only mutter a word of agreement, he couldn't say no to Hyojin, especially seeing him in a state like this. 

Hyojin stands up, grabbing one of Seungjoon's hands to pull him up too. "Please just lay with me and hold me for a bit, I feel like I'm going to fall apart..." Hyojin can't look him in the eyes, instead, turning and pulling him towards his room. Hyojin is nearly shaking, he feels so unstable. This body didn't feel like his own and he needs something to pull him back to reality. "Okay," Seungjoon says softly as he lets Hyojin lead him. 

The end up cuddled together, the lights off. Hyojin's laying on Seungjoon's chest and Seungjoon has his arms wrapped around his waist. His hands held the curves of Hyojin's hips, fingers touching the skin exposed by his shirt riding up. It was quiet. Quiet, quiet, silent. Until Hyojin breaks it. "Joonie,"

Seungjoon makes a sound of acknowledgment, opening his eyes to glance down at Hyojin. He had nearly been asleep before Hyojin had said his name. "I feel so weird...." He says, voice empty. 

"What do you mean?" Seungjoon asks. 

"I dunno, I feel like...like I'm not real- like my body isn't my own... I don't know how to explain..." Hyojin trails off, suddenly feeling embarrassed at how dumb it sounded out loud. "Like...I'm not...me..." He struggles to say the words, like his tongue dead weight, and his throat was constricting. It feels like he can't breathe. 

"Are you okay?" 

"I don't...don't know, I feel so trapped," Hyojin says, voice trembling. 

"Um...Do you feel this?" Seungjoon asks after a bit of silence, squeezing his hips gently. "This is you." Seungjoon runs a hand under Hyojin's shirt, touching his back, fingers grazing over his spine. "I'm touching you right now." He can feel how Hyojin's breathing had become ragged.

He pulls his arm out of his shirt and runs his hand through Hyojin's hair. "This is your hair. This is your ear- these are your shoulders," Seungjoon says, touching each of the body parts as they're named. 

"O-Oh," Hyojin stutters, taken aback. 

Seungjoon runs his hands down his arms, pinching softly at them. "This is your skin, I'm touching you right now, Hyojin," Seungjoon continues when he notices Hyojin's shaking had lessened. Seungjoon isn't sure if he's helping him, but it must be helping somewhat, right? "Is this helping....? I don't really know um...Do you feel better?"

"Kinda... Thank you," Hyojin mumbles, sounding tired.

"Do you want to talk about it...?" Seungjoon asks wearily, cringing at the thought of Hyojin getting annoyed at him again. "I mean, only if you want to," He says hurriedly. 

Hyojin sighs softly, staring at the wrinkles on Seungjoon's shirt. He knows Seungjoon wouldn't be judgemental, but it doesn't stop his chest from constricting with anxiety. 

"I don't know, I've just been feeling so... empty lately," Hyojin whispers. "Everything's so boring, every day is the same..." Seungjoon doesn't interrupt him, instead, pulling him closer in what he hopes is in a comforting way. Hyojin is silent for a bit, trying to get his thoughts in order. It's hard when his thoughts are running so fast and bouncing off the sides of his skull.

"It feels like I'm going nowhere, and that I'll be stuck doing the same routine for weeks and months and years until I die. I don't want that. I don’t know what I want to do with my future… I feel like I don’t have one, really," Hyojin rolls onto his back, laying his head on Seungjoon's arm. Seungjoon rolls onto his side, to look at Hyojin. He stares at him, noticing how his eyes keep flicking back and forth between marks in the ceiling, filled with uncertainty, how he kept squinting with what looked like a pained look on his face.

Hyojin sighs softly, laying on his side to face Seungjoon too now. His eyes are big and glossy and Seungjoon's chest aches.

"I don't feel like talking to anybody, or eating, or doing really anything, because it just feels so pointless," Hyojin continues, looking down at Seungjoon's chest, not being able to look him in the eyes. He feels like he's doing something wrong, like he's saying things that he shouldn't be. His chest feels so tight. He's quiet again, playing with his fingers. 

_"It.... makes me want to die, Joonie,"_ He says, and it's barely audible because he thinks that the white noise in his head is going to make him deaf. His mind is buzzing so loudly, it hurts. His eyes start to burn with tears. He feels so vulnerable right now, and he hates it. It feels like he just ripped his own heart out of his chest to show it to Seungjoon, not knowing whether Seungjoon would take it gently or shove it back down his throat.

Seungjoon thinks he can hear his own heart shatter inside of his chest. He wordlessly pulls Hyojin into his chest, by his shoulders. Hyojin's face is shoved into the nape of Seungjoon's neck. 

He finds that he's crying, hot tears dripping onto Seungjoon's skin. He balls up small fists of the man's shirt, just to have something to hold onto. Seungjoon's face is buried into Hyojin's hair, he thinks he might cry himself. 

Seungjoon isn't sure what to say to calm Hyojin down, but finds himself mumbling that it's okay and that he's there for him as he rubs his back. Hyojin sobs pathetically into the younger man's skin. He's uncomfortable, and he wants to run away, maybe shove Seungjoon out to rebuild his walls again. But Seungjoon is gripping the back of his head, holding him close to his chest, and while he hates the way his chest feels like it's split open, he grips Seungjoon's shirt tighter. 

It's like that for some time, until Hyojin's cries start to die out and his frame stops shaking. Hyojin's exhausted, and his head starts to ache, the headache that always comes after crying. He didn't think he could have cried, but something about the way the younger had looked at him before broke his resolve. He feels bad now because the nape of Seungjoon's neck is sticky with tears.

"I'm sorry..." He mumbles as he pulls his face out of Seungjoon's neck. 

"Why are you apologizing?" Seungjoon asks, now looking at his face since he was able to. Hyojin's eyes are shining, tear tracks running from his eyes down the side of his face. He can't see much more with how dark it is. 

"I don't know," Hyojin says. He was apologizing for burdening Seungjoon, for crying on him. _For everything,_ he thinks.

The two untangle from that position, finding it had become uncomfortable. Instead, opting for another position, with Seungjoon hugging Hyojin from behind, unanimously deciding that Seungjoon would be staying the night.

"Seungjoon," Hyojin mumbles into the darkness. 

"Yes, Hyo?" Seungjoon's face is pressed to the back of Hyojin's head, and his lips graze the back of his neck as he speaks. It makes Hyojin shudder. 

"Thank you," He replies, holding onto Seungjoon's hands, which were interlocked over his stomach. "For bringing me food, and letting me cry and staying with me, even when I was being so mean...and I'm sorry," He feels guilt jerk in his chest as he thinks about how he had mistreated him, but he was still here putting up with him.

"It's okay, I knew that you didn't mean the things you said..." Seungjoon says not so certainly as he links his pinky with Hyojin's. At least, he _hopes_ that Hyojin hadn't meant them. 

Hyojin tightens the grip he has on Seungjoon's hands. This moment feels precious to him, he wants to bask in it forever. He thinks that he doesn't deserve Seungjoon at all, but he couldn't be more thankful that he has him.

"I'm still sorry though.. I don't even know why you're still putting up with me at this point..." Hyojin mumbles meekly. 

"Because I care about you a lot, and you're my best friend," Seungjoon replies. He's staring at the back of the older man's head, wishing he knew what he was thinking. 

"I love you, Joonie," Hyojin says sincerely, sniffling a little bit. He feels like he's going to cry again but for a different reason this time.

"I love you too, please don't cry again," Seungjoon holds Hyojin tightly, as hyojin giggles quietly. " 'm not," 

His heart leaps when Seungjoon presses a feathery light kiss to the back of his neck, nuzzling into him. "Goodnight, Jinnie," He mumbles sleepily.

"Goodnight, Joonie."


End file.
